Depression

I always have felt weird talking about depression. It's one of those things where you never know if someone is legitimately depressed or if it's something like "I can't go to the My Chemical Romance concert I'm so depressed!" Then there's the people who post on blogs how darn depressed they are but that they never tell anyone and don't even try talking to them about it but you can read all about it in the posts they make. Or you get the people who say "You don't have depression you just want attention." We don't have the right to judge others, but that last response is what people get when they say they have depression.

Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way: Depressed or just playing the part of goth?

Now, do I have depression? I don't know, I've never been diagnosed, but there are days when it feels that way. At least, I think that feeling is depression. It's definitely not happy. When I started reading "The Anger of Hope and the Anger of Despair" by Dana Jack, I kept thinking "Oh yeah right like anger causes depression LOL." But actually, the more I read, the more it made sense. Sure, there were still parts I disagreed with, but the general idea is probably right on (for me, anyway).

So, let's talk about the parts I disagreed with. The thing about women's anger being triggered by close relationships and men are triggered by strangers. Women describing their anger in relational terms and the interpersonal effects the anger has vs. men's anger being more impersonal and self-focused. To me that just sounds like it is embracing the stereotype that women are supposed to be more concerned about others and be nurturing and loving and caring and all that shit but men can think about themselves. What if the things that make me mad have nothing to do with relationships I am in? Does that mean I'm not a woman? Whoops looks like I'm actually a man sorry guys.

For the record, these things make me mad: my future (as in, will I have a job that will let me have a horse), people who drive like idiots, Mitt Romney AND Barack Obama. Tell me how that has to do with relationships? 

Unless we are talking about this relationship...

Now for the ideas that I agreed with, and are actually relevant to my life. Anger as a cause of depression. I totally brushed that idea off at first and thought the author was crazy. Then I realized that I am an angry person. About a lot of other things that we don't need to get in to here. Then, I don't talk about it much. Sometimes there isn't anything I can do to change the situation that makes me angry, so again, have to keep it inside. The reading got a bit more technical than I am going to get here, but basically women keep their anger inside because of things like societal pressure saying women aren't allowed to be angry and they are worried about what would happen to relationships and shit if they got mad. For me, I feel like I can't talk about how angry I am to anyone because it could get brushed off as not a big deal or they will make me get happy pills to fix it. I don't know what someone's reaction will be. I can't say I'm worried about how talking will affect my relationship with the person, it's more like I am worried about all the potential reactions like people saying "Oh you just want attention there are starving children in Africa." I'm even having a hard time describing why I don't want to talk. Ok then.

Sometimes I really do just feel like letting the anger out by throwing stuff, yelling, or hitting someone and actually ripping their face off. Those are probably things that even a dude would be locked up for, but since we are women, doing that is definitely a no-no. Maybe if there was an easy way to express anger there would be less depression. Or at least have it less severe. Just a thought. 

To end today's blog post, I thought I would post a clip that demonstrates the woman not talking because she does not want to ruin the relationship. And because Scrubs is my favorite.

Safe.

That movie...

It made me very nervous. I'm not exactly sure why, but it probably has to do with the idea of locking up oneself in a tiny white room. I felt uneasy and anxious as we watched the movie.

I agree with the director. This is a horror film. The pace of the story and the way it was filmed (long shots of everything) basically scream horror. Really the only difference was that nothing jumped out or tried to kill Carol. Carol wasn't possessed, she had an illness. In the end when she stood in front of the mirror saying "I love you" I fully expected it to become the ending of "Paranormal Activity" (The first one, I think there's about 80 Paranormal Activity movies now). I suppose what makes it truly scary is that no paranormal activity was involved. Carol wanted to move away and lock herself into a white room.

I am having a hard time relating to our agoraphobia discussions. I get that this is a legitimate form of madness that affects women. Really, I do, but I don't understand it. What makes someone want to lock up themselves to be safe? Is life even worth living if you are that worried about being safe? How is that fun?

Well classmates, I am at my parent's house and I forgot my notes so I shall update this when I go back to my place and get them. I rode my horse at a gallop today. Yeah my ankle is still broken but it's healing and the doctor said I can do things again. Anyway today was a good day.

Dora: A Headcase

And now a serious post about Lidia Yuknavitch's novel Dora: A Headcase.

I enjoyed this book. It was an easy read and the story was intriguing. Problem is, I don't think it can tell us a whole lot about hysteria. It's just a story of a rebellious teen who thinks she's a badass. It reminds me of the "diary" Go Ask Alice, about a teen who does drugs and lives on the street and goes and does awesome shit (all while trying to teach kids that drugs are bad mkay?). The protagonist dies at the end. It also reminds me of the Ellen Hopkins books. They're written in poetry about kids with addictions and their experiences and how they do some badass things... but really they aren't as badass as they think.

So, why is Dora hysterical? Her life seems nothing like the actual Dora. This Dora can leave the house, do drugs, and run around with friends. I get it, she has some stuff going on in her life. Her father and Mr. K are very patronizing. Her mother is distant. But the fact that she can go out and do stuff? She can't be hysterical in the traditional sense.

I found this image on Tumblr and it's basically the type of thing Dora would post, but change the Vans backpack to a Dora the Explorer bag.