I have always been a little confused about self-injury. If you're seeing it on the internet (I'm looking at you, Tumblr), it tends to go a little something like this:
I'm Enoby I love MCR and Gerard Way, I look liek amy lee (if u don't kno who dat is den get da fuk out) im straight edge but like to smoke and drink. tattos and piercings r da shit omg i haev snaek bites and. I hate everything and love too much. I am ugly I'm a slytherin my friends r awesom no1 loves me. I cut every dai look at my scarz wow (:
gerard way <3 5ever.
Yep. That was probably offensive if you don't know what My Immortal is (Not the Evanescence song). Sorry, ah, not sorry. But if you have never thought about self harming or cutting, and this is what you see on the internet, it's easy to judge people. Similar to depression, you start to wonder if these people just want attention, or why they do it, and what it means to self-injure, or sometimes if that person really does self-harm or if they just found that image on Instagram or something. I could never tell if it was related to suicide or not. I felt like it wasn't, and after today's discussion, I feel way more informed.
It never occurred to me that self- injury could be a physical manifestation of someone's madness. That cutting (or whatever else) is a way to survive, a way to prove that they are alive and not dead. It's a way to let their anger out without hurting others. We discussed that men tend to punch walls, but this way is not a socially acceptable way for a girl to express her anger. Cutting isn't even socially acceptable since girls are supposed to faint at the sight of blood.
Kind of like this.
- OMG I took my sister to the Cincinnati Zoo and the vampire bats literally had a bowl of blood in their pen it was so awesome but my sister didn't like it. She does get nauseous with blood and it's fun to tell her how they give IVs or draw blood or talk about the bat food -
Anyway, yeah, expressing anger. I think cutting (I'm just going to say this as it is easier to type than self- injury) is definitely related to depression. Depression is basically internalized anger. If you can't get that anger out, it stays inside (trust me, I know. Sorry no personal story here). If cutting makes someone feel complete, or like they have control over something, should we really try to "fix" them? Like the Dresden Dolls song. That last verse implies that there is something wrong with society if it causes people to behave this way. They're probably right. Should we fix cutting or fix society?
Isn't it interesting how one of the ways that Cady Heron destroys Regina George was to get rid of her "good physique?" And Regina was super focused on her weight, mostly to fit in to a spring fling dress that she had put on hold in January. The store was called 1, 3, 5 and they only carried sizes 1, 3, and 5. When the dress didn't fit, Regina was offended that she should try Sears. When she found out what Kalteen Bars were, she flipped her shit. She even made a big deal about what food she would eat. She drank cranberry juice cocktail, went on an all carb diet, and tried to lose three pounds. And remember that scene in the beginning where Cady did math for them? Regina would only eat foods with less than 35% calories from fat... but then she got cheese fries.
Weight was a big deal to the Plastics (If Northshore was US Weekly, they would always be on the cover). If they didn't follow the rules of Girl World (Girl World had a LOT of rules), then they were denied the honor of sitting at the cafeteria table with the rest of the Plastics. When Regina gained some weight, she was forced to wear sweat pants on the wrong day of the week (you can only wear jeans or track pants on Fridays). Wearing the sweat pants got her kicked out of the table, and ultimately, kicked out of the Plastics.
I just want you all to know that I can quote Mean Girls so I did not need to look any of that stuff up.
So since we shared personal stories in class, here's mine:
I went to my senior prom in high school. I wasn't dating anyone at the time, so a friend arranged for one of her friends, Mark, to go with me. Then, at the last minute, my best friend at the time Sam decided to go. I like to say that the three of us were the best prom group and that Mark and I were the best dancers.
As is customary in America, we went to dinner before the prom. We decided on Cap City Diner. If you haven't been there, it is REALLY GOOD. So, we get the menu and it was decided that Sam and I were getting huge cheeseburgers. We knew what we liked. When the waitress took our order, she was surprised but she seemed to think it was refreshing that two girls in prom dresses were not having a salad. And of course, when she asked for the dessert menu, we said HELL YES and each had a slice of peanut butter pie and that was amazing.
When I looked around, the other girls did have salads. And no dessert. It really sucks that they probably felt that it was expected of them to eat salad.
So, why did someone decide that women can eat salads while men can have the burgers? Men can eat a lot, but women are not supposed to. And if a guy orders just a salad? Someone would call him a girl. Gosh, I would have died if I lived back when women were expected to make a big show out of refusing meat. I really love a good steak... medium rare, still moo-ing. Whoops I must be a man.
Then there was that part about eating as an erotic activity... I don't understand but it's ok if you're into that sort of thing.
Accurate representation of societal pressure on women.
And then there is the whole thing about being fat is bad, women definitely shouldn't be fat, and society places that pressure on women.
I feel like if society did not pressure women in to thinking that skinny is the only way to be beautiful, eating disorders would be less common.
I think that eating disorders should be classified as a type of female madness. Many of the disorders we talked about in class were caused by women being dissatisfied with their current situation (thanks, patriarchy). While the women who have an eating disorder may not see it as being dissatisfied, I would still say it was something brought on by patriarchy. I have never dealt with an eating disorder though, so I may have that totally wrong. I also think it's a good thing that there are different pro-anna or pro-mia websites out there. It provides support and shows them that they are not alone.
I also don't think you can regulate the internet, but that's a whole other story!
"Pass the pills and fancy plants/ give us this day our daily trance." Prozac Nation page 117
I really like this quote and I am incredibly disappointed that it isn't lyrics to a song. It needs to be a hard trance or happy hardcore song (not dubstep). I'm in the mood to rave, so let's talk about ecstasy in the context of this book.
But seriously why are those lyrics not a song?
"I didn't like pot, I didn't like cocaine, I didn't like drinking (though I seemed to do all of them anyway), but Ecstasy was a sweet relief for me" Page 116.
This makes perfect sense to me given the Elizabeth's circumstances. At this point of the book, she is at Harvard. She's depressed and in a constant state of feeling down. Pot is a downer drug. Coke is a downer drug. Alcohol is a downer drug. Why go down when you can go up? Ecstasy tends to make the user happy. They're in a good mood and it's normal to want to hug everyone. The senses are enhanced. Lights look brighter. Music sounds richer. A touch to the skin feels weird in a good sort of way. It makes you want to dance. "Bad trips" do not happen on E. It's just the sort of escape Elizabeth is looking for, even if only temporary.
"At parties, we walked up to people and told them how much we loved them. On ecstasy, we were best friends with everybody, we no longer felt the class distinctions that were all over Harvard, we no longer felt poor and ugly." page 116.
See what I mean? Of course, we know that for Elizabeth, this led to drug abuse.
"I was loading myself with whatever available medication I could find, doing whatever I could to get my head to shut off for awhile." page 121.
To conclude, drugs. Ecstasy is a happy drug. Now have a complementary mini rave:
Disclaimer: I can't be held responsible if you find this offensive.
Sometimes when Elizabeth talks about how much coke she's been on, I feel like I'm reading this book.
From drugs to the guys she is with, it's got a Go Ask Alice vibe going on. Only differences are that Prozac Nation is true and she uses drugs (the recreational kind) to escape while Go Ask Alice was made up to make kids not want to do drugs and the protagonist uses to fit in or something?
I always have felt weird talking about depression. It's one of those things where you never know if someone is legitimately depressed or if it's something like "I can't go to the My Chemical Romance concert I'm so depressed!" Then there's the people who post on blogs how darn depressed they are but that they never tell anyone and don't even try talking to them about it but you can read all about it in the posts they make. Or you get the people who say "You don't have depression you just want attention." We don't have the right to judge others, but that last response is what people get when they say they have depression.
Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way: Depressed or just playing the part of goth?
Now, do I have depression? I don't know, I've never been diagnosed, but there are days when it feels that way. At least, I think that feeling is depression. It's definitely not happy. When I started reading "The Anger of Hope and the Anger of Despair" by Dana Jack, I kept thinking "Oh yeah right like anger causes depression LOL." But actually, the more I read, the more it made sense. Sure, there were still parts I disagreed with, but the general idea is probably right on (for me, anyway).
So, let's talk about the parts I disagreed with. The thing about women's anger being triggered by close relationships and men are triggered by strangers. Women describing their anger in relational terms and the interpersonal effects the anger has vs. men's anger being more impersonal and self-focused. To me that just sounds like it is embracing the stereotype that women are supposed to be more concerned about others and be nurturing and loving and caring and all that shit but men can think about themselves. What if the things that make me mad have nothing to do with relationships I am in? Does that mean I'm not a woman? Whoops looks like I'm actually a man sorry guys.
For the record, these things make me mad: my future (as in, will I have a job that will let me have a horse), people who drive like idiots, Mitt Romney AND Barack Obama. Tell me how that has to do with relationships?
Unless we are talking about this relationship...
Now for the ideas that I agreed with, and are actually relevant to my life. Anger as a cause of depression. I totally brushed that idea off at first and thought the author was crazy. Then I realized that I am an angry person. About a lot of other things that we don't need to get in to here. Then, I don't talk about it much. Sometimes there isn't anything I can do to change the situation that makes me angry, so again, have to keep it inside. The reading got a bit more technical than I am going to get here, but basically women keep their anger inside because of things like societal pressure saying women aren't allowed to be angry and they are worried about what would happen to relationships and shit if they got mad. For me, I feel like I can't talk about how angry I am to anyone because it could get brushed off as not a big deal or they will make me get happy pills to fix it. I don't know what someone's reaction will be. I can't say I'm worried about how talking will affect my relationship with the person, it's more like I am worried about all the potential reactions like people saying "Oh you just want attention there are starving children in Africa." I'm even having a hard time describing why I don't want to talk. Ok then.
Sometimes I really do just feel like letting the anger out by throwing stuff, yelling, or hitting someone and actually ripping their face off. Those are probably things that even a dude would be locked up for, but since we are women, doing that is definitely a no-no. Maybe if there was an easy way to express anger there would be less depression. Or at least have it less severe. Just a thought.
To end today's blog post, I thought I would post a clip that demonstrates the woman not talking because she does not want to ruin the relationship. And because Scrubs is my favorite.
It made me very nervous. I'm not exactly sure why, but it probably has to do with the idea of locking up oneself in a tiny white room. I felt uneasy and anxious as we watched the movie.
I agree with the director. This is a horror film. The pace of the story and the way it was filmed (long shots of everything) basically scream horror. Really the only difference was that nothing jumped out or tried to kill Carol. Carol wasn't possessed, she had an illness. In the end when she stood in front of the mirror saying "I love you" I fully expected it to become the ending of "Paranormal Activity" (The first one, I think there's about 80 Paranormal Activity movies now). I suppose what makes it truly scary is that no paranormal activity was involved. Carol wanted to move away and lock herself into a white room.
I am having a hard time relating to our agoraphobia discussions. I get that this is a legitimate form of madness that affects women. Really, I do, but I don't understand it. What makes someone want to lock up themselves to be safe? Is life even worth living if you are that worried about being safe? How is that fun?
Well classmates, I am at my parent's house and I forgot my notes so I shall update this when I go back to my place and get them. I rode my horse at a gallop today. Yeah my ankle is still broken but it's healing and the doctor said I can do things again. Anyway today was a good day.
And now a serious post about Lidia Yuknavitch's novel Dora: A Headcase.
I enjoyed this book. It was an easy read and the story was intriguing. Problem is, I don't think it can tell us a whole lot about hysteria. It's just a story of a rebellious teen who thinks she's a badass. It reminds me of the "diary" Go Ask Alice, about a teen who does drugs and lives on the street and goes and does awesome shit (all while trying to teach kids that drugs are bad mkay?). The protagonist dies at the end. It also reminds me of the Ellen Hopkins books. They're written in poetry about kids with addictions and their experiences and how they do some badass things... but really they aren't as badass as they think.
So, why is Dora hysterical? Her life seems nothing like the actual Dora. This Dora can leave the house, do drugs, and run around with friends. I get it, she has some stuff going on in her life. Her father and Mr. K are very patronizing. Her mother is distant. But the fact that she can go out and do stuff? She can't be hysterical in the traditional sense.
I found this image on Tumblr and it's basically the type of thing Dora would post, but change the Vans backpack to a Dora the Explorer bag.
